Is David Hasselhoff Plotting World Domination?
Part Two: The Music

By Eric Spitznagel and Brendan Baber

Nowhere else in David Hasselhoff's career is his lust for world domination made so explicitly clear than in his music. Take, for instance, his first solo album, released in 1995 and already a hit in much of the world, especially Germany. His international fans have bought the record with reckless enthusiasm, but few of them are aware of the subtle messages that David is transmitting through his music. Let's examine some of the key songs of this album...

Many of the songs describe the act of "saving" someone from a life-threatening situation, usually water-related. In "Dark Side of My Heart," David tell us that "I was lost on an island in the deep blue sea, but you came out of nowhere to rescue me." In "Miracle of Love," he tell us that he was "hanging by a thread, (but) you rescued me." In "Give Me Something Real," he assures us that "I'm not afraid to dive too deep." They are harmless lyrics at best, especially coming from the star of a TV show about lifeguards. But as we soon discover, these casual references to being rescued are used to establish a larger and more terrifying theme that dominates the remainder of the album.

It begins with "Do You Believe In Love," a song that is ostensibly about love. But look deeper and you'll discover a hidden agenda that is shocking to behold. "Why is all we desire taken from our hands?" David asks. "Every dream is drifting away." 'The world is a horrible place,' he seems to be telling us, 'And there is little, if any, hope for the future.' The "dream" of a united and peaceful world is rapidly "drifting away." Having convinced us of the futility of our desires, he goes on to tell us of a better world that's just around the corner.

"There is understanding for everyone
Who has ears to hear
No more looking over your shoulder
For someone to appear
Maybe you should be looking
right into these eyes."

Yes, David says, there is still reason to believe in paradise. But we need someone to lead us to the promised land. We are all "looking over our shoulder" for someone to appear, and this someone is most certainly a prophet. But we are looking to the wrong people to govern us. We expect our political or religious leaders to give us happiness, but perhaps we should be looking "right into these eyes." The eyes... of David Hasselhoff.

In "The Best Is yet To Come," David gives us further reason to rejoice.

"Raise your glass, it's time now to celebrate
Every nation, every tongue
We've got to keep our eyes on the future
Cause the best is yet to come."

Once again, David has tricked us. He has already established that there is no happiness in the world today, but tomorrow, well, who knows? "The best is yet to come," he tells us. But "we" must keep our eyes on the future. 'Join forces with me,' he is telling us. 'I will unite every nation and bring ever-lasting peace to my followers.' His promises of a more glorious future (under his reign, of course) could have come from the mouth of any ambitious politician or dictator. But we are more likely to listen to David because his messages are accompanied by a toe-tapping drum beat.

In "Until the Last Teardrop Falls," David takes on a more spiritual tone. The song reminds us that the world is filled with fear and hatred, but the singer can offer relief and maybe even salvation.

"Every time you feel your spirit grieve
Don't think about it baby, just reach for me
Let me be the one you call every time another cloud rolls by
And your heart is heavy and you wonder why
When the rain comes down, I'll be there
I'll be there through it all."

When he tells us that he wants to be "the one you call on" when life gets tough, he is making an obvious allusion to praying. He goes on to insinuate that he has some kind of control over nature. If "clouds roll by" or "the rain comes down," David asks us to call upon him and he will make everything better. In other words, if we accept him as the divine creator, he will show mercy on us and not submit us to his terrible wrath. David continues his pious ambitions in "Days of Our Love," where he rejoices at the "power and the glory every time you call my name." Pray to me, he says, and you will find salvation. Power and glory indeed. David is clearly suggesting that he has transcended the physical universe and has become a God.

But by far the most horrifying glimpse of his vision appears in the final track of the album, "Save the World." It begins with a young girl (which is revealed in the album jacket to be David's daughter) asking the singer for guidance and understanding. "Daddy, why do children cry?" The girl pleads. "Can't you make it better?" David goes on to explain that yes, he can.

"I see no reason for hunger and pain
Be aware that we're all the same
Let's come together for a better life - right now
Now it's time to make changes that millions are hoping for
There's a way if we all lend our hands to the lost and poor."

What could this be but an anthem for a world united under Hasselhoff? "Save the world," David demands in the chorus. "Save our lives! Stop the fear in children's eyes! Give your love! Heal the need! Save the dreams for you and me!"

It's difficult not to get caught up in the excitement of it all. David is rallying the troops, demanding that his fans follow him now or be left behind to perish. If we don't allow him to assume complete and total control, the world will surely crumble and cease to exist. "Save the world," he cries, or face the horrible consequences. He can eliminate "hunger and pain," he can provide hope to "the lost and poor," he can take away "the fear in children's eyes." 'Don't you realize that you can't stop me?' He says. 'There are "millions" of people "hoping" for it to happen? Resistance is pointless! It is my destiny!'

"Save the world, daddy," his daughter says at the song's end, declaring herself to be the first convert to David's World Army. And we are expected to follow in her lead. Accept David as the one true Messiah. He will make everything OK. Just sit back, lose yourself in the gentle rhythms of his songs, and allow him to "save the world."

God save our souls.

This was written by Eric Spitznagel and Brendan Baber. Eric let me use this as a promotion for the upcoming book, Planet Baywatch: The Unofficial Guide To the New World Order. This particular piece is an outtake, and won't appear in the book. But another section: the List of things Baywatch teaches you, will be.

Be sure to check out David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist, which I wrote. And Elvis Lives, Princess Dies. And the World's Most Politically-Incorrect Beach Towel.

They're hysterical. I think.

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